Ok so there was this person, in a place. Ok so there were quite a few people around the same sort of time that are also part of the thing, but for now I’m focusing on this person in this place because he’s kind of the main focus of the thing that this is. Yes? And it’s not fair to pin all your stuff onto individuals, when there’s a whole bunch of factors and things and other influences and maybe there’s something about me that makes me vulnerable to this kind of something but in the case of this particular something I’m realising more and more how behaviour patterns I’m still trying to break out of can be traced back to this particular something and it’s a whole mess like, you know?
This is how I tell the story, when I tell it. No details. Some details are lost in memory, others hit me out of nowhere at fantastically inappropriate moments. The details aren’t the point, the point is that a particular encounter with a particular person can still have an effect years later. The story is not important, but sometimes, I still feel the need to tell it.
Ok so it was a thing, for a while that, to the outside was just some stupid, youth, idiot, all that, but it’s only now that I’m really untangling it and I’m realising that maybe that ‘s exactly how this person designed it to appear so that if I ever did get up the nerve to say anything, no one would believe me. It would be met with, ‘Oh Kate. You old, Kate’. You know?
I’ve told myself the story a thousand times, a thousand different ways. In some I’m the victim, in some I’m the bad guy, in some I’m just making a big deal over nothing. Each time I recognise something, some event, some phrase, some pattern that I find myself repeating, and resolve to break once and for all. And of course I stumble, because getting better at anything takes practice.
And like maybe it’s nothing, but it’s still rattling around and I can’t help but think, like literally it just comes out of nowhere sometimes and ok so it’s not that big a deal, but to quote Hank Scorpio it’s the little things that make up life, hey that was a good episode, like, seriously good, it’s one I always have to- ok yes I’m changing the subject because…I don’t know. Like. You know?
We tell ourselves stories to make sense of the world. I’ve always been a big fan of folklore and superstition, how these stories come about, what they explain, what comfort they offer, how they help us make sense.
You can tell a story and it has a beginning and an end. You can tie up the loose ends, you can have clear characters, motives, reason. You can remind yourself that you’re not a victim, you’re not a monster, you’re not broken.
You’re only human, and it’s only a story.