Sometimes you come through a little rough patch- a run of bad luck, a few too many late nights, falling behind with work or therapy, whatever sets off a low. Sometimes you come out of it and look around and realise you’re doing better than you thought, and things aren’t so bad.
So you must invent problems!
I’ve had a busy week, good busy. A lot of working and socialising with a lot of good people. And suddenly I’m suspicious of all of them.
‘Great gig, you done good!’
Ok obviously she’s just saying that, but thanks.
‘Good to see you, you ok?’
Ok? The hell is that supposed to mean?
‘We will definitely meet up soon.’
This person definitely thinks I am scum.
Jesus, it’s always something. If you’re exhausted reading my over analysis, try living with it. I quite often want to step away from the neurotic garbage heap that is my brain but that’s what we’re working with! So.
As it is, I have trouble trusting my mind at times. It’s a lot better than it used to be, and I have ways of dealing with it, but it can still be a problem, particularly in knowing where I stand with other people. This in itself is not a problem, it’s not unreasonable to wonder what people think of you, and it’s not always possible to know. But sometimes, like this week, when I’ve been busy and having a lot of different conversations with a lot of different folks, the wondering can become overwhelming, and turn into catastrophizing.
And I know where this comes from, my question is will I ever stop finding the negative in a good week? It is exhausting to look at yourself sometimes, worrying over nothing, and think really? Really? We can’t just enjoy this? Bloody hell, Kate.
Just telling yourself to get over it doesn’t always help you get over it. You find a way that works for you, with practice, and being honest with yourself. It’s a case of finding a balance between wallowing in a problem, and denying that it exists. Both are trouble. But every now and then it is possible to acknowledge the voice of doubt as a separate entity and tell it to just take a damn day off.